Relationships & Self-Trust

Relationships & Self-trust

You've been here before.

The same fight in a new relationship. The same role you played in your last friendship. The same dynamic with a different boss. You may recognize the pattern, but still find yourself repeating it.

That doesn’t mean you’re lacking self-awareness or not trying hard enough. These patterns often run deeper than what we can see in the moment. Therapy can help you understand what’s driving them so you can begin responding differently.

You've been here before.

You've been here before

The same fight in a new relationship. The same role you played in your last friendship. The same dynamic with a different boss. You may recognize the pattern, but still find yourself repeating it.

WORKING ALONGSIDE YOUR PRESCRIBER

Most of the women who come to me about relationships are high-functioning in every other area of their lives. They run teams. They raise children. They make decisions for other people all day.

The pattern usually shows up most clearly in their romantic relationships, but it also leaks into friendships, family-of-origin dynamics, and the way they show up at work.

What they describe sounds something like this:

Apologizing first, even when they were the one wronged

Picking the same kind of partner again and again, with different names

Apologizing first, even when they were the one wronged

If you've read this far and recognized yourself, you're not alone.

Why you Stopped Trusting Yourself

You weren’t born this way. You learned these patterns over time. Maybe you were the child who learned to manage everyone else’s moods, or maybe the person you needed to feel safe with wasn’t always safe. Either way, you learned to pay close attention to other people as a way of feeling secure.

What you may not have had the same opportunity to develop was that same awareness of yourself.

Underneath these patterns are often core beliefs like:

"It's my fault."

"I should be able to handle this."

"I don't matter."

When these beliefs are triggered, your nervous system reacts as if the past is happening now, even when it isn’t. Over time, thoughts, memories, and reactions knot together into one overwhelming thought and emotional pattern that forces you to behave in ways you don’t like and don’t feel good.

Self-trust isn’t a personality trait. It’s a skill that can be rebuilt.

How we Work on Relationships and
Self-Trust

We use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and EMDR to address both the pattern and the source.

CBT is for the present. We track the moments you shrink, the moments you over-explain, the moments you choose against yourself. Once you can name what’s happening as it happens, you can start to interrupt it.

EMDR is for the source. We work with the earlier experiences that taught you the rules you’ve been following. As your brain processes those events, the old rules stop running quietly in the background. You start reading situations more accurately. You start choosing people you don’t have to manage.

Symptoms first. Then roots. Then a new way of living that works better for you and the people you love. You can read more about both approaches on the How Therapy Works page.

WHAT CHANGES

Most of my clients feel different in their relationships within the first two or three months. The internal experience usually shifts before the external one does.

You start catching the moment you were about to shrink, and not shrinking. You recognize the person you were about to choose before you choose them. You say the unpopular sentence and survive it. You feel angry at something that should have made you angry, instead of feeling small.

Then the external part starts to follow. Your fights get shorter. Or they stop being about the same thing. Or you notice you're not having them at all anymore, because you've stopped accepting the dynamic that produced them. The goal isn't a perfect partner. It's becoming someone whose first instinct is to believe herself

Frequently Asked Questions

Do you do couples therapy? 

I do individual therapy with people who are in relationships. I don’t currently see couples together. If couples work is what you need, I can refer you to therapists who do that well.

Will my partner need to come to sessions? 

No. This is your work. If it would be helpful and appropriate, we can invite your partner into a session. Often, changing your side of the dynamic can change the dynamic itself.

What if I'm not sure my relationship is the problem? 

Most of the women I work with aren’t either when they start. The work we do isn’t about deciding to leave or stay. It’s about recognizing what you’re actually choosing, so the choice can become a clear one.

Do I have to leave my relationship to do this work? 

No. Many of my clients stay. Some leave. What changes either way is what you accept from yourself and from the people around you.

How long does this kind of work take? 

Pattern awareness usually shows up within the first six sessions. Root work takes longer and varies by person. I’ll be honest with you about what I see.

Ready to Begin?

If you’re tired of recognizing the same dynamic in your relationships, call me. We’ll start with one question: Tell me what’s going on. I’ll listen while you get it off your chest. If we’re a good match, we’ll begin.